I have been asked how I will be celebrating my first Mother’s Day.  Although this is my first one with a biological child, I have been quietly celebrating Mothers day for 5 years.  For those of us as step-parents (this applies for stepdads, too), being recognized even in a small ways can help you survive another day, month, and year, knowing there is some small appreciation for the sacrifices you make for your step-children. I was never planning to have children of my own so my approach to step-parenting was simple; treat the kids as if they were my own.

Being a step-parent has been both the most difficult and the most quietly rewarding challenge of my life.  This Mothers day I share  some things that have guided me on my journey as a step-parent.

I am Number Two! Being a step-parent may be the only job in the world where, if you are doing everything right, you come in second place. I should never, and will never surpass my step-children’s mother.  Ensuring they recognize their mother on Mothers day, her birthday and other important holidays isn’t about her, it’s about making sure my step-kids grow into individuals that put family first.

There are many other ways I work to instill these values, including family activities, family dinners, yearly photo albums, and fridge collages.   I do this in a effort to reinforce the importance of family, remind them how much they are loved,  while providing  them with a historical record of the special memories we have shared.

You Can’t Make Everyone Happy.  Stepmoms don’t don’t always get the best public treatment, stereotypes include the wicked stepmother, or the clueless floozy.  In reality most of  us do not fit either of these, and just trying to make a complicated situation work.  It’s no easy feat trying to balance co-parenting with their mom, while maintaining a close relationship with the kids.  If  I’m not involved I would be perceived as distant and not caring,  if I’m too involved I’m perceived as trying to steal them away or convince them to abandon their Mom.  When conflict arrives between children and parents (as it does with all children and parents) I am almost always stuck in the middle.

Often the only person there to celebrate stepmothers is their husband or partner .  I have been fortunate enough to have a considerate step-daughter that acknowledges me throughout the year with cards, thoughtful gifts or just a simple hug. —and while I’ve been surprised and touched with a Mother’s day acknowledgement, I’ve never expected anything. Throughout the year my step-son often gives me beautiful handmade crafting treasures that I proudly display on our mantel, and in my car.

In addition to this  I have an amazing partner that offers words of encouragement throughout the year when no else remembers how much effort it takes to be a step-parent.  He recognizes that I love him and the kids enough to volunteer for one of the toughest  jobs in the world.

I have always believed that by embracing my position in the family,  my devotion and sacrifice would be recognized through meaningful relationships with the children.  I know that my unique contribution as a step-parent has value.  My example and choices as a parent will shape my step-kids,  I offer them a perspective on the world they would never have without me

This year I received my Mothers day acknowledgements early.  My step-son was extremely  concerned with my welfare throughout my pregnancy.  When he visited me in the hospital his concern for my vulnerability was evident and touching.  Recently my step-daughter surprised me by sharing  a beautifully written creative writing assignment.  The assignment involved identifying  someone who’s influence has changed her life, and I was incredibly touch that she chose me.  These gestures and sentiments mean more to me than they will ever know .  I reflect on these these memories and keep the handmade creations as reminders on Mother’s day and throughout the year that my role is valued and appreciated.

There aren’t rules for how to recognize the sacrifices and contributions step-parents make.   I  recognize that while I may be stuck between my step-children and a hard place, the best thing I can do is to continue to step up and be a consistent parent  for all my children, in our turbulent world of blended family life.

As for the inquiring minds, this Mother’s Day I am celebrating being  a Mother  &  Step-mother the very best way- by spending time with my family. 🙂